got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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