Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
