my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Randomize
