I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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