Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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