yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
