It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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