I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
You ruined the universe
Randomize
