i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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