If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
