I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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