I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
