Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Randomize
