I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
