I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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