This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
