All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
