just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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