i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
