just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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