Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Even my vagina gasped.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
