The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
