cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
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