Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
It's never too late to be topless.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
