so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
