Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
