Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
