now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Randomize
