ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
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