My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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