I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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