So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
