you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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