you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Randomize
