He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Is Oprah even human
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
