i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
