Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
