so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Michael Bay diarrhea
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
