bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
