she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
