I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Couch. On fire.
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