my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
you traded sex for a burrito?
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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