Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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