you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
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