Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize