I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
