I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Randomize
