I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
