I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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