How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
