but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
