Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize