Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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