she looked like the bat from fern gully.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
