I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
