god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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