Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
