We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Randomize
