this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Randomize
