We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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