mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
