i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
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