Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
There's a naked man in my car right now.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Randomize
