WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
