I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
