Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Randomize
